


Don't Let Them Change You

by FernStone



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, Dad Lord Asriel, Fear of Discovery, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Lyra, Supportive Lord Asriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FernStone/pseuds/FernStone
Summary: Not a girl, but not a boy. Just them. Just Lyra.
Relationships: Lord Asriel & Lyra Belacqua, Lyra Belacqua & Pantalaimon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	Don't Let Them Change You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guy! Wow, it's been a while since I've written a fic... nevermind for HDM. I wanted to do something for Pride Month and I've had this playing around in my mind for a while!! Please enjoy
> 
> Also sorry if the pronoun change is a bit confusing, I just thought it made sense in context

Her feet hit the roof and she rolled to soften the blow, quickly getting up and running as fast as she could. She heard shouting behind her and grinned as she leapt, bridging the gap between two buildings easily. She didn't stop as she continued running, the thrill of the freedom she had from being up here coursing through.

The freedom of the clothes she was wearing.

"Lyra!" Pan swooped down, joy bouncing between the two of them. "We're out of sight."

"Good," Lyra grinned, slowing down. As she came to a halt she turned around and caught her reflection in one of the metallic panels of the roof. Slowly, surely, her grin widened.

The person that stared back at her was too tall for someone her age, with her wild, dark hair scruffily stuffed into a cap. Dark eyes twinkled with mischief underneath the loose tufts of hair that fell out of it. The dark brown breeches she wore were held up by suspenders over a rough shirt, sleeves rolled up. It felt right and gave a freedom of movement she never had in the skirts she hated.

It felt like her. It felt like _them_.

Not a girl, but not a boy. Just them. Just Lyra.

Pan landed on their shoulder and crowed happily at what he saw, nudging a head against Lyra's cheek. He knew how they felt if even he didn't feel the same... For where Lyra was stable in not feeling like they had any gender, Pan changed just as he did forms. Today he was male, but tomorrow he might be female or neither. It would've been awfully confusing for Lyra if they didn't feel everything Pan did. In a way, it was their only connection to the gender people kept trying to force them into.

No one else knew. How could they tell anyone? But they understood each other, and that was enough. It had to be.

Even though it hurt everytime they were misgendered.

"Lyra, let's go find Roger," Pan cawed, flapping his wings impatiently. Lyra grinned at him.

"It's about time for him to finish, e'nt it? Let's give him a surprise!"

Maybe they could tell Roger. If they could tell anyone, it'd be him. They pushed down the fear at doing that and continued along the roof.

Light footsteps brought Lyra to the edge of the roof, and they slid down onto the next one. Thrill filled them as they felt the rough material against their legs - unconstraining and freeing. They didn't have to worry about scraping their bare legs if they fell anymore.

"No one's at the kitchen entrance!" Pan called as he swooped back towards them. Lyra grinned. Perfect. One step turned into another and they were running again, leg thrown out as they leapt off the roof and towards the grass below. They collided with something hard, something not the ground, and suddenly were spinning downwards as their eyes slammed shut.

Whatever it was acted as a cushion to break their fall. They felt Pan's concern shoot through them as he changed to a pine marten and landed beside them. They just let out a shaky breath and brought a hand up to rub their head.

"Is this the manners they've been teaching you in my absence?"

Lyra froze as the deep and disapproving words caused their eyes to fly open. Underneath them was Lord Asriel, with a storm raging in his eyes as his face contorted in a way that struck fear into their heart. Low growling from nearby had Pan jumped onto their shoulders and slipping into their shirt as a mouse. Lyra quickly scrambled off their uncle and stood up, forcing themself to look fierce even in the face of danger. It wasn't the first time they'd angered him.

Lord Asriel sat up, brushing off his jacket and keeping his dark gaze fixed on them. Then he stood, with a slowness and grace much like a leopard taking calculated steps towards its prey, and Stelmaria stalked forward with a growl. His hand went to rest against her fur and it took every rebellious thought in Lyra to stop them from backing away from the pair.

"Now, Lyra Belacqua," he spoke in a low tone, danger seething behind its quietness. "Care to tell me what you were doing leaping off the roof as if you are some street urchin."

Lyra glanced down at Pan, comforted by him against their skin, then back up to Lord Asriel stubbornly. "We was just having some fun, Pan and I, before going to the kitchens to play with Roger."

"So you were skipping your classes," Asriel's eyes narrowed. "And what is that you're wearing?"

"It's easier to run in," Lyra muttered.

"Not only do you play truant, but you run about dressed in such an unkempt manner. You may forget it sometimes, Lyra, but you are a young lady who will one day inherit the Belacqua name. I let it go when you were younger but it's gone too far. I understand very well the need to explore but you _cannot_ continue to act like a ruffian. You're not a little girl anymore. Not to mention crashing into me." His gaze grew fiercer, a sharp glimpse in his eyes as his arms folded over his chest. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I e’nt," Lyra muttered, each word he'd spoken jabbing at their already fragile control.

"You aren't what? Speak up, girl."

"I E'NT A GIRL!"

Lord Asriel visibly paused, face going slack a moment as his expression softened slightly. Him and Stelmaria looked at each other in a silent conversation as Lyra realised just what they'd said.

They raised shaking hands to grasp Pan, now a wildcat in their arms, the contact between the two barely stabilising them as tears pricked their eyes. It was over now. They'd said it, and now they'd be told off for saying such nonsense... Or even worse, it would be dismissed altogether. Ignored as if it was nothing. The last person they'd wanted to tell was their uncle. Lord Asriel was brilliant, but he was harsh and unrelenting. A man of science and someone set in his own ways, and opinions.

"I'm sorry," they mumbled, refusing to meet his gaze now as excuses and fears tumbled through their mind. "I didn't-"

Lord Asriel held up his hand to silence them. "Let's talk about this elsewhere."

Lyra could only nod and follow him.

-

The silence was suffocating.

Lyra watched the fire crackling in the hearth, legs brought to their chest and Pan curled in their lap, quietly flickering between forms. They'd taken off their cap inside to let their wild hair fly loose and now chewed on one of the long strands. Both were on edge as they refused to look at Lord Asriel where he sat in the other chair, nursing a glass of Tokey. Stelmaria curled at his feet with a deep, relaxed huff.

"So," Lord Asriel began eventually, presumably after having enough to drink to continue the conversation. "You say you're not a girl, does that mean you feel like a boy?"

Lyra blinked, slowly turning to look at him. His words were clumsy but they weren't what they'd expected. There was no admonishment to them and no judging in his eyes as he regarded them carefully. He raised an eyebrow as they didn't reply right away.

"I e'nt a boy either," Lyra shook their head and Pan slowly settled down, crawling up in their lap to peer over at Stelmaria. "I feel like neither. I'm just me..."

Lord Asriel inclined his head and furrowed his brow, thinking about what they had said. They could tell he didn't entirely get it but he was trying. Something which surprised and touched them. Not only was he not angry, he was trying to understand.

"What about Pantalaimon?" Stelmaria rumbled, tail flicking gently.

Pan leapt up onto the arm of the chair before replying. "I'm a boy! Today. I don't know what I'll be tomorrow."

Lord Asriel and Stelmaria looked less certain about that, but neither reproached him for what he said. Lyra felt a sense of warmth spread in their chest and flow between the bond the two shared. Was this what being accepted felt like?

" Thank you for telling me," Lord Asriel said gruffly, which only shocked Lyra more. "And I will try my best to not mess up with it again." Stelmaria huffed her agreement.

Lyra and Pan shared a look, eyes shining as a smile split Lyra's lips. He was accepting it! He wasn't asking them why or telling them that they were wrong he was just... Accepting it. They tilted their head as they looked back toward Lord Asriel. In a quiet voice, they asked, "why e'nt you getting angry with me over this?"

"Why would i get angry over who you are?" Lord Asriel said, before letting out a light chuckle. "There are things about me others wouldn't accept too. I'll tell you something, Lyra, you should never let anyone tell you who you are. It's up to you to decide that. I hate those that restrict others the most."

Lyra nodded, wide eyed. They'd always looked up to him even when they found him scary, and now they only did more. If only their uncle was around more!

"How about we shop for some more appropriate clothes that you feel comfortable in tomorrow?"

"Yes!" Lyra nodded fiercely, grinning at the prospect. Their very own clothes that weren't dresses! Imagine that. They caught Lord Asriel's raised eyebrow and added a quiet, "thank you, Uncle."

He just nodded, taking another sip from his glass. Silence fell again but it didn't feel stifling this time. It felt nice. Lyra felt more free than they had in a long time. It was Lord Asriel who broke the silence again.

"This doesn't mean you've gotten away with leaping off the roof and crashing into me. I'll make sure the master knows, and leave your punishment up to him."

For once, Lyra didn't even care as the words went completely over their head. His telling off had less bite to it than normal rather than the normal, long rants he'd give them. And right now it wasn't what was one their mind. It couldn't take away from the elation they felt.

They'd been accepted for who they were by someone other than Pan. It wasn't perfect but it was a start... And maybe, just maybe, they could start telling others too.


End file.
